The End of the Spear

Wow! I went to see the End of the Spear last night. I have honestly never cried so much in a movie. I knew what was going to happen, but the whole movie still surprised me. I was so touched. Those 5 men knew the risks. They knew that the Wowodani (however the crap it's spelled) would spear anyone at the drop of a hat, but they still went into the part of the world that had never beed reached. "go, ye, into all of the world and preach the gosple to the masses." Go into all of the world. Not just the safe part. All. They did that. And they were killed for it. But through that, they changed the lives of so many people. I left the movie thinking more than I ever thought in a long time, at least about anything important. I can't believe the courage of their wives to go back to the place their husbands were brutally murdered and still try to reach those people. I don't know if I could love the people who killed my family. I was amazed that even the children could forgive the men people who killed their daddy's. I don't think I am that strong. I am such a wimp. I fear death and I fear being brutally murdered. I don't know if I could stand up to that pursecution. But I know I don't want God to deny me!
If you haven't seen it, go see this movie! Seriously!

I'm baaaaack after a week of being grounded from the computer. I have to admitt that this is the first time I've even been grounded and not gone on the computer (besides being grounded when I was a little innocent kid). But I haven't been grounded for like 2 years, and things were different before Jesus came into my life.
I gave a sermon for speech meet on Thursday. I didn't think I did very well, but the judges did and that's what's important. If you were there I'd like some feedback. I was asked to present it to the jr. high chapel. That totally took me by surprise! I hope they liked it. Some of them told me I did a good job which is always good to hear. I spoke about not being to average or worthless for God. It was ok, nothing to shake a stick at. I got a superiort rating which is 45-50 out of 50 possible points. I got a 45 and 48 so my average is 46.5 out of 50. I was pretty exited about that.
So finally made that decision to go to Mexico. I'm pretty exited. There aren't very many people going, so I hope that's ok. I'm still worried about being in the way because I've got no clue what I'm doing, but I've been reassured 100 times tha that's not the case. We'll see. I'm so exited to see some of the kids that I met while I was down there the past 2 summers. I love them and would take them home with me if it was legal. I love the little rugrats!

Decision making

This weekend was good. Benjamin and Sarah went home, and that's not cool, but I has agreat time with them, so I'm ok with it. I was ready to kick Sarah out of my room (she is a slob and I am not). Yesterday Jennifer Mc-something-or-other (from the Mexico trip) called me up out of the blue (took me completely by surprise) and ask if I wanted to go out with her. We had a lot of fun together! Thanks, Jen! Then I went home and fought with my mom (because I don't want to have a 16th birthday party because I don't think anyone would bother to show up) and because Benjain left some crap in his room and so did Sarah.... this is my fault how....??? And today was a great day! I had to get to church butt early in the morning because I am still a young'n and can't drive myself, but after church I went out to eat with Mike Gunn and Dave and Gwyn. Josh was there so we ate with him too. It was fun. Work was great! Jill and I were so hyper!
Anyway, I have to make so many decisions and I don't like it. My main decision is about going to Mexico. I'm afraid that I'll hide in my shell and be stupidly shy if I go. I really want to go like crazy. I love it down there! I'm even comfortable in the atmosphere (if I'm not puking my gutts out like 2 yers in a row). I'm afraid of lack of girls because I get really nervous and insecure around guys, older and younger. When I get shy I close up and talk really low and not very much and I'm not fun to be around, not that I am when I'm not being shy. But I want to go so bad! Some are selfish reasons though. I think I need desperately to get away and clear my head. And I want so bad to go back to place where I feel so close to God. It's weird because Mexico is in my comfort zone. and I totally want to use my Spanish skills! But over it all I want to serve God! I don't know what to do!!!! I wish someone would just make all the decisions for my life. It's weird because I don't mind making desisions for other people, but when it involves my life I am so indecisive! AHHH!!! Someone tell me what to do!! Please!

A guy recently said this to me, "you just don't understand what porn does to a guy." He's right; I have no idea. I have two strikes against me. The first is that I'm not a guy therfore I have no clue what guys are thinking. The second is that not once in my 15 years of living have I even wanted to look at porn. I honestly don't care. I have other things to worry about (not saying that I'm an angle or anything).

Well, what I don't think he understands is something that I think all guys who look at porn need to understand. That is what guys looking at porn does to girls. It shatters us. Now guys have this false picture of women embeded in the heads and we can't measure up. We want to look thay way, but we can't because it's fake and computer generated. Guys looking at porn makes us girls feel so insignificant and unbeautiful. It's not fair to us. It's fake, and it's not cool.

I'm not saying that girls don't look at porn too because the percentage of girls that do is way more than I expected even though I can't remember the exact number. I'm just saying that from a girl's perspective, guys looking at porn hurts us more than they know.