Ever have the worthless feeling where you just feel like your life has no purpose and there's no reason to be alive?

Christmas was pretty good this year. It's so strange, though, because it doesn't feel like Christmas time. I wonder why we give gifts on Jesus's birthday to each other. I don't say, "hey, Jill, happy Mike Gunn's birthday!" and give you a present for it. (I actually made you a balloon animal, but it popped before I got to work.) I didn't even think about Jesus very much on His birthday. Shame on me!
However, I did get some cool stuff. Santa did a good job this year!
My 8 year old cousin Grace is staying with us for a few days! Should be interesting. She's so cute. She still believes in Santa. It's adorable!
Oh my gosh! People are so rude.... Get this... I'm about to hand these 2 people there food out the drive through window and I look at them and they are making out! Totally getting heated! I was like, dude, you couldn't wait 5 seconds for me to hand you your food and then go do your thing. So I waited and waited for like ever and finally I opened the window and cleared my throat and I was not happy.I need a life... as much as I hate school, I hate being at home with nothing to do and no one to hang out with more. Actually that's not true. School is the source of every bad thing. I'm convinced!
It's one of those days..... if you don't know what I'm talking about then forget it.
43 days!!!! woohoo!!! (not that I'm counting hehe) I wish I was having a party.....
SoI have a dilema.... I really really really really really really really want to go to Mexico this February, but I am too afraid. I'm scared of not being wanted on the trip and being in the way and getting on people's nerves. That's what stopping me. Since I quit volleyball, that's not in the way anymore, and my boss said I could get the time off of work, but so I'm terrified!! I don't want people to not want me on the trip. That's the problem...
Why do I suck so bad sometimes?

Wow.... I don't know what to do with myself sometimes.
Lately I have been joyfull. I've been loving life. Sometimes I forget that I have depression. And if you know anything about that it's the best thing in the world! Praise God from whom all blessings flow! But right now I'm not forgetting.
I feel like I'm such an aweful person! Terrible. Ugly. Rude. Cruel. Stupid. Just about every bad adjective I can think of describes the way I feel about myself right now. I don't know what to do. Why is it that I feel so unloved? Like never will I ever be able to be loved by anyone. Maybe any guy. I know I'm only 15, but I feel like a looser because no guy has ever liked me. Ever since I was like born I have been told that I can't date til I'm 16. That's fine with me because I'm almost 16 and I am not mature enough for a boyfriend and I know that. I accept that. But I at least want that option. Sarah's first date was on her birthday and Benj's was the same month. Maybe if I wasn't such an ugly idiot I would actually have a guy interested in me. It's crazy because I am not the tipical teenager girl who is obsessed with finding a boyfriend, I just want to be liked by one. I feel real stupid saying that, but this is my blog and I can say whatever the heck I would like to. I'm not saying this to get people to say, "Kathryn, you're not an idiot." Nope, I'm just stating how I honestly feel. And that is ugly. If you are thinking in your head right now that Kathryn is just seeking attention, get the freaking thought out of your head right now because as much as people think I am... I am not. I want to be known, but not always the center of attention. I get too self consious in the middle.
But how can I not feel ugly when people very close to me tell me that often. Just this morning I got called ugly white trash. And it was no joke. I wouldn't care if it was people joking around. If I said who said it, ya'll would know it wasn't a joke.
This year for speach meet I am doing a devotional again. I think I'm going to do it on finding self-worth in Christ because I need to hear that too.
Wow...... I can't beleive I just wrote all that. I must be really lame. But I really needed to get tht out.
Ok, Kathryn is done writing bad things about herself. If I am postive maybe I'll come of out this. Besides, I don't think God wants me talking bad about his creation.
On a good note..... I have fudge! I love chocolate!

Everyone be exited for me....I mastered the art of holding four volleyballs and still catching one with my chin! I am amazing! lol jk. I don't know if you call doing it once mastering tha art, but it's still freaking sweet, ok. So let's be exited!So there is a chior concert tonight at 7:00 at school. If you're not there, then you're cool!
Embarrassing moment of the week:Someone (little Kyle for Jill's sake)mopped the floor at work and told me that I couldn't walk on it because it was sparkly clean and I did anyway. As I was walking across I was holding all my heavy overnight stuff and totally tripped and everyone laughed at me! hehe it was funny
Totally awesome moment of the week:We had a mini-concert at Grizwald Street Baptist church for the old people, and on the way home I convinced the driver of the car to take us to McDonald's for a McFlurry. I couldn't believe that she agreeded, but she did. Yay! So we get there and I walked up to one of my managers (Cheryl) and told her it was story time. Everyone like gathered around to listen to my story too. I was like "Cheryl, me and my friends here just got back from doing noble deeds for the good of old people and we are hungry now, but we don't have any money and I am craving a McFlurry." And all the employees were like, "give her one!" So she agreed, but then I told her that my friends were hungry, so Rose, Britt, and I got free all got a free McFlurry. I love perks!
I would tell you the sad moment of the week, but I have to go curl my hair.Until Next time,~Kathryn Joy~

Sometimes it's hard to think of a title for these things

So.... not sure when the last time I posted was... What has happened? Let's see...
Today I didn't go to school because we had a snow day, so I slept until 10:00 and then took a nap. So I am all rested up on some MUCH needed sleep! Feels good!
Tomorrow I have a volleyball tourney at PHHS. I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY wish I was playing! Why did I quit again? Oh, yeah, because I suck, I can't commit, I look NASTEY in the jersey, I would loose half my pay check at McD's, and because I am a looser and a quiter. Oh well, that's me I guess. At least I'm not someone else! I did however mastered the art of holding 4 balls (volleyball, sick-o) in my hands and catching a 5th one with my chin! How cool is that! Pretty flippin sweet! Who's exited?
Benjamin and Sarah came home for Thanksgiving which was flipping sweet! They are coming home on the 16th and I might get to drive part way to GR until the traffic gets bad and my pop takes over. Fun stuff. I hope I still get to see Josh speak in chaple. He's speaking that day.
I'm a little bummbered because I was going to play in chapel today, but it's ok because it's SO worth it to not go to school (especially since I didn't do all my homework).
On Sunday I shared some stuff with some people at a place and now I wish I hadn't have done that. Oh well, I did, and the stuff I shared is all in the past.
Tomorrow I am going to a parade in Yale to watch Jill's marching band and then we are going bowling at the convicted stalion's watering hole. Fun fun!
I got Banjamin's name for Christmas. He asked for a hoodie and I got him a track jocket instead. I think it will look good on him. everyone I talked to that knows him thinks it will look good on me too. I also got him a third day Cd. I think I'm going to get him something else, but I'm not sure what because Ben is so hard to shop for because he has everything he needs and doesn't want anything. I wish I was like that! Sarah has my name. The only thing I could think of to ask for was a body length pillow. I don't really need anything. I want lots though.
It's real interesting to watch tv, listen to the radio, read signs, watch movies, and view any other type of media at this time of year. Everything says "that's what Christmas is all about" but nothing say anything about Jesus being born or anything. It's all about shopping, football, gift, ect. My friend thinks that Jesus died on Easter.... interesting. And now things can't even be called Christmas things in some places. They're now "holiday" things. Like holiday trees. And the word to silent night were changed to like snowy night or some crap like that.
We got progress reports back this week and my highest grade is in spanish! 97% baby! Maybe because that's the only class I actually want to be in!
Estoy feliz porque no tengo que trabajar manana! I am going bowling instead.
Sometime I feel real lonely because I'm the only one who's eve home. My dad's alway in a different state and when he's home him and my mom are doing stuff. So I'm lonely because I'm usually alone because I can't drive myself anywhere.
Well since I have to be at PH at 7:00 tomorrow, I'd better go to bed.
This is WAY to loooong! Oh well, it happens!
Tienes un feliz dia!!!
~Kathryn Joy~

Indescribable, by Chris Tomlin

I hadn't heard this song in a long time until today during chapel. It was pretty awesome!

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea Creation's revealing Your majesty From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring Every creature unique in the song that it sings All exclaiming
Indescribable, uncontainable, You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name. You are amazing God All powerful, untameable, Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim You are amazing God
Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night None can fathom
Indescribable, uncontainable, You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name You are amazing God All powerful, untameable, Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim You are amazing God You are amazing God
Indescribable, uncontainable, You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name. You are amazing God All powerful, untameable, Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim You are amazing God
Indescribable, uncontainable, You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name. You are amazing God
Incomparable, unchangeable You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same You are amazing God You are amazing God

What awesome lyrics! Oh to have such a great gift of writing as this! God truly is amazing! None can fathom! How incredible! I love the mental picture of falling to be knees in awe of Christ... until the mental picture becomes reality! Then it's just.... INDESCRIBALBE!