Jordanism
Iv'e been doing a whole lot of thinking lately, and my main conclusion was that I don't think much for myself. I am beginning to be what I'm calling a Jordanist, which basically means extreme follower. Or maybe you could call me a tape worm. It's like I'm feeding off of other people's opinions. It's like I can't make a decision for myself without someone else's oppinion. I can't do so much as a math problem without making sure someone else thinks I'm doing it right. Sometimes I think that it's not my will to serve others, that I'm serving others to look good. (BUT I just don't know if that's true or not! I don't want it to be true! I'm a horrible person!) I THINK that it's my desire to serve God, but then I second guess myself. I'm ALWAYS second guessing myself! Because I've fallen into this pattern of Jordanism, I'm loosing what makes me me. I don't even know because I'm such a mixture of everyone else's opinions. When will I form my own? When does it end?
Like I said in the last post, I desperately need to talk about everything, but I'm having an issue with trust. I spent 3 hours talking to my last youth pastor one time (and only, I will add, because he pressured me ino it) and then, he goes and tells his fiance everything I said. He also promised that if I told him he would help me. We didn't even say hi to each other after that. I was in counseling for awhile, but she told my parents something (now I personally thought that was illegal) and after a while, she didn't help me. I had 2 cousilors before her that called my parents and told on me! Ugh! If I can't count on proffessionals, who can I trust?
Well, this post has gone far from where I meant for it to, but oh well. That happens.....
So on that note, love God and love others!
~Kathryn Joy~
Like I said in the last post, I desperately need to talk about everything, but I'm having an issue with trust. I spent 3 hours talking to my last youth pastor one time (and only, I will add, because he pressured me ino it) and then, he goes and tells his fiance everything I said. He also promised that if I told him he would help me. We didn't even say hi to each other after that. I was in counseling for awhile, but she told my parents something (now I personally thought that was illegal) and after a while, she didn't help me. I had 2 cousilors before her that called my parents and told on me! Ugh! If I can't count on proffessionals, who can I trust?
Well, this post has gone far from where I meant for it to, but oh well. That happens.....
So on that note, love God and love others!
~Kathryn Joy~
posted by **Kathryn Joy** at 9:54 PM
1 Comments:
ouch, i hope jordan never reads this. i am going through something right now that i think falls along the lines of what you are saying. when we look at ourselves, often it is not me i see or you that you see. we see the masks we put on to blend in and find acceptance. we take a little bit from a lot of people then we make a disguise we hope others will find attractive. it doesn't work. i am currently trying to examine my life, why i do this or that where my influences come from and who the man truly is behind the mask. i can only encourage you to do the same. start pealing back the layers until you find you. it hurts and it is very difficult. but it is worth it.
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