I AM, BUT NOT ANYMORE!

I'm 15, but I feel like I'm 30 sometimes. I work too much and can't say no!
I'm a teenager and I know I'm not to young to get out in the world and make a difference, but I feel like I've wasted the 15 years that I've had.
I'm still young, but I don't think anyone has ever loved me out of their own choice.
I'm 15 and I'm so disappointed that I wasted 14 years of my life not knowing Jesus, and I'm so upset that I've waited the year I have been a Christian doing nothing.
I'm a wanabe athlete who is too fat to be good.
I'm still a child who's been through a lot of crap.
I'm a Christian and I have doubts about God.
I'm a wittness, but I don't know what to say to people who confront me about my faith when I am comanded to always to be prepared to give an answer.
I'm hurt because I don't have friends
I'm lonely because I turn people off
I'm dumb because I probably am loved but I just don't see it!!
I'm a sister and I compare myself to my older siblings when I know that I won't be able to accomplish what they have.
I'm a daughter who can't please her parents.
I'm a subordinate doing my best to obey
I'm a human who want to fit in.
I'm a person who is labled depressed
I'm a student who wants to learn but can't get the grades I want
I'm an girl and I compare myself to images in magazines
I've missed awesome opporunities to do anything because I'm too afraid.
I've waisted so much of my life away because I listen to people who tell me I'm not good enough. I listen to the people who say I will fail. I listen to the people who tell me I can't.
Well, I've got news, I'm not going to waist the rest of my life. I'm going to do what I can to help. I'm going to set my own standards, and not listen to the people who tell me I'm stupid. I'm not going to be the girl who cries over the magazines because I wish I could be like the beautiful women. I'm going to find myself. I'm going to be my own person. I'm going to let God run my life instead of letting people run me.
At least I'm going to try!
It won't be easy, that's for sure, but I'm going to try because this isn't working for me! I will fail in this, but at least I have a motive.
(And FYI it will be healthy this time.)

This is for my Julie

This is for my Hulie (or is it Wholie).... well, for Julie Coon, so the rest of you can go right ahaid and ignor it

So Julie, I think you you can just post a comment without haveing a blogspot blog, but if not then tell me and I'll try to fix it. I did yours, now it's your turn.......
01. Who are you, what's our relationship? 02. How and where did we meet?03. What's my middle name?04. How long have you known me?
05. Tell me one good thing about myself?06. When you first saw me, what was your impression?07. My age?08. Birthday?09. My favorite band at the moment?10. Colour eyes?11. Do I have any siblings? (If so, how many and names)12. Have you ever had a crush on me?13. What's one of my favorite things to do?14. Do you remember one of the 1st things I said to you?15. Describe me in 3 words?16. Name 5 things I love?17. Do you think I'm good looking?18. How would you describe me to someone?19. Would you ever date me?20. Tell me one thing you've always wanted to say but never did?21. What do you like most about me?22. If we could spend a day together, what would we do?23. Have we ever gotten in a fight?24: Do you think we will be friends for at least 3 or 4 more years..truthfully?25. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it?26. What do you think my weakness is?27. Do you think I'll get married?28. What makes me happy?29. What makes me sad?30. What reminds you of me?31. If you could give me anything, what would it be?32. When's the last time you saw me?33. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?34. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?35. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you?36. If I was an ice cream flavor, which would I be and why?37. What song (if any) reminds you of me?38. If you could change one thing about me, what would it be?39. Would you make a move on me?40. Do I cross your mind at least 1 time a day?

American Idiots

Americans as a whole are so dang selfish. A huge portion of the world is starving to death or eating things that we wouldn't feed our dogs just to survive. My household has 6 computers, 3 televisions, and more food than we know what to do with. Of course, we can't be inconvenienced by dial-up internet access, so we have to have to pay extra for 4 computers with extra high-speed internet. We have 5 cell phones, and most people I know pay more for weekly over-times minutes on their cellphones than a poor family would make in a whole month. It's CRAZY! Cedar Point pays a ton of money for repairs on the rides daily for our entertainment when the rest of the world can't even pay for food. I have spent like 20 some dollars going to the movies this past month! How many thousands of dollars do we pay professional athletes per game when that is more that some people will make in their entire lifetime and the pros make it in a matter of hours!! In order to have your comercial put on the air during the super bowl, you have to pay 2 million dollors or something!!!! I'ts insain! You know how many people you could feed with that money. Even churches spend 90 thousand dollar on aditions to their church buildings. Sure, it's nice having highspeed internet, and its nice having television, and it's great to be able to get ahold of my family wherever they are on their phones, but what about the rest of the world? What about them? We don't care because we are too busy looking for Waldo!!!!
I have been convicted forever about the way I spend my money. Sometimes I get mad at myself because I have so much and give so little to people who really need it. Rich people make me mad sometimes because they go out and buy their lives away, but they are not even happy! Do you really need that fur coat shipped over from some county that probably used slave labor anyway? I think they would be ok without it. I think my family would survive without highspeed internet. I think the whiney child would survive without the candy in the grocery line everytime he goes. I think I would survive if I didn't go see four movies in one month at the theater. I understand that parents would give their kids cell phones to know where they are, but how bout limitting the minutes so that they only use it when they have to.
If Americans would just give a small portion of what they have to the people that really need it, I think we would all be better-off. The love of money is the root of all evil, so why not eliminate the problem? What is so hatd about that? I'll tell you, it's because we are selfish and only think of ourselves and our happiness.

Gerrrr...

I hate it when I type out a blog that actually has meaning and then I loose it!!! I don't have the energy to do it again right now, so I won't. I think it was a good one though. Maybe later.

Job interview

I don't know if anyone still reads this, but if you are reading this please pray for my dad. He has a job interview today at 5:00. It's good because the job would let him work out if his home! The only thing is, where is that home... (I think it would be here)? And how much money does it make?
Thanks if you pray!

Death...??

Last night a life ended at 92 years old. It was my volleyballball coach's mother and mother-in-law. They are 58 and 60. I have never met the lady before, but I went to the funeral home to be there for my coaches. They were so touched that we were there. My coaches are never upset about anything, so it was hard to see them sad. They smiled a lot, but when Coach Davey was talking about her to us and telling us how he had cried, Sarah and I almost cried. One thing he said was that his mother went strait to Heaven and that she wasn't scared to die, she was ready.
I wonder why Christians are afraid to die. I mean, I am. (well sometimes I pray that God will just let my die, but then I get scared and take it back- like that's going to matter- hehe) My theory of why Christians are afraid is because we've never done it before. When I was a child and I'd never been to a resturant before, I was scared and never wanted to go. I usually ended up liking it. I was afraid when I got my first (and only) cavity filled because I'd never gotten one filed before and didn't know how it was. I was scared out of my mind to go jet skiing for the first time because there were all the risks, and I'd never done it before, but of course it ended up being the sweetest thig ever. Maybe we're not actually afraid of death but the possibility ofa long and scary painfull death. The unknown.
As a Christian we don't really need to be afraid because we know we'll be living with God forever. I wish I could be one of those people like Li Quan from Safely Home who dedicated his entire life to serving Christ and teaching other people about Christ. I know he's not real, but he reflects the lives of so many people across the globe who have died for Christ. That would be so rewarding, wouldn't it? I want to be one of those people who dedicates there lives no matter what the cost to serving Christ and using their lives to point to Christ ( see, I am a good listener). I want to be willing to die for christ with out being afraid of dying. I would be able to live forever with the God I died serving! How awesome!
I just don't want to be afraid of death!

Gossip

I hate gossip! What good is it to trash talk people when they're not around? Does calling someone fat when they're not around make you any skinnier? Does telling a story about someone that they might not want anyone to know make you any better? Does saying someone's stupid make you any less stupid? NO!! It doesn't! I'll admit, I struggle with gossip often, but now that I'm working on it, when I hear it, it makes me sick! What good is it to say that you hate so-and-so? What good is it to bring others down when we are commanded to be uplifting?
And on that note, what good is it to trash talk people even when they are around? I can not in one million years imagine why someone would walk right up to someone and say "you're never going to get a boyfriend because you're so fat." I'm probably not going to do volleyball next year despite how much I absolutely loved it, because some people had to make it clear to me that I suck too much and am too fat to be on the team. The funny thing is that none of us had ever played before, so we all sucked! (and this is from a "Christian" school that my parents force me to go to because "everyone there is nice".... That is BULL!) I was talking to R about how I was the only one on the team who didn't play in districts, and she said, to my astonishment, A and R only got to play when they were freshman (they were the only other freshman) because they were good, and me well... Why would anyone find that ok? And it's not just me. Everyone, and I mean everyone, is the object of ridicule at one point in their lives. It's just not cool. Even when it's not about me, especially when not about me. Why should you say you hate someone? Does it make you less hated? NO!! I HATE it! It's all a bunch of bull sh**, and it pisses me off! If that's being a Christian, the I don't want to be one!

School's out for the summer!

I must be a really good guesser because I got an 89% on my geometry exam. I think next year I'm going to work really hard. I said that last year, though, but I did work really hard in geometry all year. I got a 91% (not including extra credit) in Civics!
But I'm done. It was actually pretty sad today because I might not see some of those people ever again if we have to move. I started tearingup, but I didn't cry. Mrs. Heinemann told me to stop by there house before we move if we do.
I think it was also sad because I've worked my freaking butt off all year to try to fit it with my pears, but I still don't. The people that I'm going to miss the most are people I don't fit in with. It doesn't make any sense to me, actually.
It's going to me hard this summer for me, I think. But I'm going to go in with a good adittude. I will try to be positive. I just hope that I hang out with people. I don't want to be stuck at home every day wishing I had friends. My best friend is never home when I am in the summer.
We are now about 75-80% sure that we will move. There are rumers about finding a buyer. I know I could get exited about moving if only I knew if we were. I'm scared about moving, but at the same time I am exited. It would be really fun to move and meet new people and stuff. We'll see.....

Almost done!

I'm tired. I need a nap, and when I was about to sleep I got a phone call, and when I was almost asleeping again, I got another phone call (from this creepy weirdo), so I gave up. I'll go to bed early tonight or something.

I have one exam to take tomorrow, and I will be done with Freshman year!!! I will know longer be "freshman scum." Over-all I've done pretty well on my exams. I did 50 sit-ups in front of my entire class for extra credit on my Bible exam, so I got a 113% on that one, I got a 91% in English, and I miracle 98% in physics! My last exam was geometry, but I don't think I did well, maybe a 60% or close. I should find out tomorrow.

Oh my gosh! I am so blessed! I need to hug someone, but I don't know who. Someone put an envelope with 60$ in it for me for Mexico, but they didn't sign there name. That's why I don't know who to hug! I don't recognise the handwriting or anything. I hope God blesses them for that!
I got the strangest e-mail today. I don't really believe that's it's real, though. Yesterday I got contacted by Christian Guitar Recourses that said that someone was trying to contact me. The message attatched was from a lady names Mary who said she had something to share with me. I e-mailed her back and she e-mailed me today saying she wanted to give 4.5 million dollars for some kind of charity or church or school or mission. I have no idea how she got my e-mail or anything, but I'm like pretty sure it's a hoax. Firstly, who has 4.5 million dollors anywhere Africa, let alone Mali. It's so dumb that anyone would lie about that crap.

Emptyness

I feel empty. It's something I can't really explain. Jesus filled a void a year ago when I became a Christian, but there's another hole there. It's weird.

Must study for my 2 hardest exams tomorrow. Two more 1/2 days of school. I should be exited, but I'm scared about never seeing anybody from New Life again....

Subject

Wow! I just read the last post that I wrote last night..... How depressing! I am in a better mood now, thankfully. I spent today making the house graduation read/sellable and went to Chelsie and Liz's open houses. Chelsie had several pictures of her with her mom, and it was really sad to think about. She won't have her mom at anymore milestones in her life: her graduation from high school, getting accepted into college, college graduation, getting married. Neither with Brittany. It's just so dang sad! Liz's open house was fun. I knew more people. I got out of going to work tomorrow, thankfully. I was going to have to miss part of Sarah's open house and all of David's. And I was going to miss Scott coming over. But I have the best manager in the entire world, so I don't have to go!
I'm having a problem with some people from work. I really like Ashley, but she is constantly being rude to me and telling me to hurry and move, and then out of the blue she called me a "female dog"! She had no reason, and I didn't do anything. And Sara keeps pushing me and telling me to get out of her way and she keeps being really rude! Oh, well, I guess that's life.
Just for the record, I'm really not some deep, dark soul as I mey have seemed in my lasdt post. Yeah, I have depression, but I am a pretty happy person. And I don't think people can "read" me as well as they think that they can.

Graduation

Sarah is graduating in a few hours. The choir is singing, and I don't know how I will be able to get the words out. I will be crying too hard. We're singing "When I Survey the Wonderful Cross" accapella and then "Here I Am, Lord." I don't like that one too much, but oh well, it's not for me.
The awards cerimony was yesterday. I didn't think that I would get anything because I really haven't done anything worth getting an award for, so I was really shocked! I was pleasantly surprised to get the highest grade in Bible (which I guess is a good class to have a high grade in) and the prayer leader award, and I was really surprised to get a striving for exelence award in geometry (I hate math, but I tried really hard!) and an award for my poetry....

So when I started that it was like 3:00, but now it is 10:30 and I just got back from the graduation cerimony. I'm sitting here in my quaker chior dress, an I just don't know what to do. I spent 14 years of my life with two parents and two siblings who love me and lived with me. I was always really close to them. Then Benjamin left for college. It was really hard, but I got used to it. Now Sarah is leaving too. As hard as it was to have Ben leave because I just love him so much and because he was the first to go, I think it will be harder for me when Sarah leaves because we have the sister thing going. Everyone says how wonderful my life will be when there are no more siblings in the house, but I disagree strongly. I am pretty sure I will hate the next three years. "Highschool is the best time of your life. Love it because it only gets worse" that's what everyone says. If that's true then I have set a bad oman for my life. I am determined to not let that be the case. This year was terrible for me, yet at the same time it was great because it's my first year as a Christian. Maybe it was terrible because it's the first year I've been a Christian and someone wants me back.
The cerimony was really nice. The chior did great. It's so weird; I can't cry. I have so much inside to let out, but the tears won't come. I have it bottle up inside of me and it hurts, even physically it hurts. All 9 of the seniors are going to do something great for the world, especially my sister. I can't see myself like that in the future. I feel like a failure.